@jackiembouvier: I've been up for 20 hours. There's no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
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@artsofdrawing: *During math test* My answer: 28. Answer choices: 17, 19, 26, 45. Me: "well 26 is closer to 28, so that must be the answer."
@JamieGreenlees: My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park :(
@Cheeseboy22: Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
@TheToddWilliams: Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they're storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It's a lot funnier when they say it.