I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
You Might Also Like
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”