I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
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TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession