*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
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The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.