I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
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Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Cats are still liquid.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
When you let grandma cat sit
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation