@WilliamAder: I've been "watching my weight" and, rest assured, it's still there.
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@sploosk: INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously? ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
@shopkins776: *hand grenades* *blow torch* *AK 47* *sulfuric acid* *ninja training* My Google search history yesterday after I found a spider.
@badbanana: There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I'm supposed to stop reading the internet.