I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
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*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Feel. He’s so soft.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”