@Ophoenix1: I've been watching the Crime Investigation channel all day. Murder just seems like the easiest way to solve your problems.
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@stephenjmolloy: Magician: "Think of a card." Me: "Okay." Magician: "You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!" Me: "I was thinking about a get well soon card."
@murrman5: [during ultrasound] wife: I really thought you were the father me: how could you do this to me? wife's grey and black lover: I told y'all
@Chel__CLE: Until a pregnancy test commercial involves a chick hysterically crying & screaming MY LIFE IS OVER, it's not real life.