Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
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Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
Cardio Made Easy
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
dude it’s called proctologist
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.