I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
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You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
Every time my phone rings
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.