I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
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Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”