I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
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My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices