I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
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I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth