I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
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parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
<- sleeps well with others
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]