I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
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COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”