I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
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Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet