@Snotgun: I've conditioned myself to only poop at work. Now my bathroom smells great but I can't take more than 2 days off w/o terrible constipation.
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@PaperWash: Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request me: cool! Facebook: she's racist now me: uhh Facebook: everyone on here is
@mlccm: Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
@DanMentos: *notices my tinder match has "catholic" in their bio* me: so how long have u been addicted to cats