What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
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The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
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We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.