I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
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Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.