I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
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My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
#MeanwhileinCanada
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Lucky for them, they’re cute
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
The opposite of Iceland is water water