I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
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I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Is fake venison called venisn’t
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.