I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
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Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.