I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
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Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss