I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
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My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
he’s doing your taxes
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog