I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
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came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
no!! no!!!!!!
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.