i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
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Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on