I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
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me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
This is why I hate group projects