Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
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I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.