People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
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everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Breakfast for Stoners:
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news