Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
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When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.