“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
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My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Worst bar ever.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
*mops up wine with cat*
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Sing it!
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*