My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
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Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
“You drive, I’m tired.”
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
no refunds
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
The best plant holders?
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.