Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
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My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Happy weekend !
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.