I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
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[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock