I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
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AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
inside you are two wolves
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood