My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
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*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.