*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
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How to keep the seat next to you empty.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
This line from Airplane.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
was Jim off killing horses or…
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!