@donjuantip: i've decided to start a new healthier lifestyle. I'm adding cranberry juice to my morning Vodka.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@JIMBOSWELT: Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
@FatherWithTwins: If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there's a 150% chance they'll hit me in the face with it.
@Brampersandon_: [Me]: *slams fork & knife down on table* Not cool, babe. [Wife]: You didn't honestly think there'd be weed in your pot pie, did you?