I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
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I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Just ordered me some pizza!
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*