I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
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[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.