I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
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You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day