Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
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Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Oh, I bet you would be
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
just got my engagement photos
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer