Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
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This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Just me and my debit card against the world
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.