[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
You Might Also Like
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson