I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
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“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.