I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
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Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent