@_Enanem_: I've discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it's inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
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@_The_Man__: Wife: the library called about an overdue book *eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life* "Tell them I died in the moon wars"
@KyleMcDowell86: told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she's coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
@realHamOnWry: My nephew asked, 'Do you have a New Years hangover today?' I said, 'No. Hangovers are for people who stop drinking'.