@_Enanem_: I've discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it's inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
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@Home_Halfway: When a barista dies coffee beans are placed on each eye before they float down a frappuccino river to forever misspell the names of the dead
@briangaar: I just want to be one of those dads who runs on the field & tackles an opposing 6 year old
@Sarcasticsapien: Coworker: If you had to do it all over again, would you? Me: Yeah. Cw: You would? Why? Me: Because I know what the words "had to" means.
@panmidwest: [Therapist's Waiting Room] ME: you're gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren't you WIFE: yup ME: I knew it!