I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
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Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.