I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
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How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
The Weeknd is back
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
I need to update my racial profile.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.