I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
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A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
and now we wait
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Finally!
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her