I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
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Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr