[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
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hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
A short story of betrayal:
awkward
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.