I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
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Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Lmfao
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.