I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
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Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”