I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
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So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.