LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
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[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.