[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
You Might Also Like
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
I’m already scared